The Things Remus Says
by HebrewPrincess91
Summary: When talking about Umbridge, Sirius told Harry "You should hear Remus talk about her." What exactly did Remus say about Umbridge? Set between The Goblet of Fire and The Order of the Phoenix. One-shot. Canon compliant.


Sirius Black was sitting in the most comfortable chair in the house. The chair was in the home of Remus Lupin where Sirius was currently following Dumbledore's instructions to "lay low" after the events of a few weeks ago that culminated with the return of Voldemort.

Remus was out right now leaving Sirius to amuse himself. Sirius was supposed to stay inside where no one would see him for his own protection. Sirius, however, felt like he was under house arrest. While he begrudgingly assented to staying in and pretending not to exist he was beginning to feel entirely cooped up, verging on a full on bout of cabin fever.

Sirius rearranged himself in his chair as he perused the page of the book he was reading. He stopped every now and then to reread passages in more detail. One passage in particular made Sirius stop and reread it three times – he grinned as he finished and turned the page.

Just then Sirius' senses prickled and he heard the familiar footsteps of Remus as he climbed the steps and walked up to the door. Sirius hastily stashed the book he was reading in the cushion of the chair just as Remus came through the door.

Remus entered the room and slammed the door muttering under his breath furiously; Sirius immediately knew that something was wrong. A sudden fear that there was some bad news on the Voldemort front made Sirius jump to his feet and ask, "What's wrong, has something happened, have you heard from Dumbledore?"

Remus gave no indication that he had heard Sirius' question and continued to mutter under his breath while pacing to and fro across the room. "Dangerous, I'll show her dangerous, stupid, bloated, self-important-"

Sirius made a face, there was certainly something wrong, just not with the Order. It was something on a more personal level that was upsetting his friend. Sirius tried again. "What's up, Moony, you seem a little tense?"

Tense was putting it lightly, Sirius could practically feel the agitation rolling off of Remus as he paced back and forth in the room.

Remus paused and looked over at Sirius, almost as if he were surprised to see Sirius here but he answered, "No, there's nothing wrong, don't worry about it." Looking away for a second and then back at Sirius, Remus said, "I forgot you were here."

"Thanks a lot." Sirius replied, "So, tell me, what's up?"

Remus shifted his weight from one foot to another, looking a little uncomfortable. "It's nothing, don't worry about it."

Sirius scowled. He knew Remus liked his privacy, but he also knew Remus could sometimes go too far to prevent his friends from finding anything out about what he was dealing with. It had always been this way, but it irritated Sirius all the same. Again, he said, "Tell me mate, what's happened? When you left this morning you were in fine spirits, now you're giving me the death glare and the brush off – spill!"

Remus just looked more agitated, while they were best friends they had spent the last thirteen years without much contact, and during twelve of those years Remus had actually hated Sirius. In many ways they were starting over and learning to trust each other again. For Remus this did not come easily or all at once. Remus held his position. "It's nothing, I'm just tired."

Sirius was beginning to get tired of this game, he did not understand why Remus refused to open up to his best friend when something was obviously bothering him. Remus could be such a martyr sometimes. Sirius knew he was going to have to play his trump cards. "Fine." Sirius said in the tone of voice Remus knew to be his 'check-mate' tone, "I'll know by tomorrow anyway. Still, you could save us both a lot of hassle and tell me now."

Remus frowned. "How will you know tomorrow if I don't tell you?" He said. "Not that there's anything to tell." He added hastily, knowing Sirius would not be convinced.

Sirius gave a mischievous smirk. "Easy." Sirius moved back to the chair and retrieved the book he had been reading earlier holding it up for Remus to see.

It took Remus precisely two heartbeats (Sirius counted) to realize what Sirius was holding.

"My diary!" Remus gasped in a voice that sounded both shocked and scandalized.

Sirius' smirk broadened into a triumphant grin at the look on Remus' face.

"You've been reading my diary?" Remus said in the same tone as before.

"You know I do," Sirius answered, "I've been doing it since we were in school."

Remus colored a little, both with anger and embarrassment. "But we were kids then, I didn't realize you hadn't abandoned that 'habit' of yours."

Sirius continued to smile, much to Remus' chagrin. "Well I haven't been able to keep up with _The Adventures of Moony_ , Azkaban didn't carry a subscription to it. So I've had to catch up since I got here. I do have to say, you have gotten somewhat more interesting since our school days." Sirius waited for two beats to let that sink in before adding with a wicked smile. "So, who's Melanie?"

Remus colored again and lunged for the book half-heartedly. Sirius simply stepped out of the way and waved the small volume playfully. "Now, tell me what's wrong or let me read it in tomorrow's installment of _The Remus Chronicles_. Either way I'm going to get the truth out of you."

Remus considered not telling and not writing about it. But it was eating at him and he knew he would eventually want to get it out somewhere, and apparently Sirius would be right there to find out. Reluctantly Remus sighed and decided to have it out.

"Well," Remus started, "you were right when you said that I left in high spirits. This morning everything seemed fine. However, while I was out I came across some news about some new laws that were passed in a late night session last night and are going into effect on the first of next month." Remus began to get angry as he recounted his story. "One of the new laws to come out of the secret session was a new directive stating that all werewolves must come into the Ministry and register since they are considered a 'periodically dangerous creature' and 'any werewolf that fails to register will be subsequently fined and/or imprisoned.'" Remus quoted as his voice grew bitter. "It goes on to say," Remus continued, "that all werewolves must go on a publicly available registry where people can find out who they are and where they – we – live. 'No more will such monsters live in secrecy around every corner.'" Remus quoted again.

Sirius suspected that the quotes were coming from a propaganda-like piece in the newspaper that Remus had probably already read a thousand times. Sirius felt especially sorry for his friend and was about to speak but Remus continued.

"And," Remus said, "an additional part of the law says that werewolves cannot work in any capacity where we are in contact with children." Remus' voice now barely contained the rage he was feeling. Sirius' jaw dropped at this last part which was an extreme measure, even for the Ministry.

Remus looked Sirius in the eye and said "Do you know what that means? It means I can't work anywhere where I might be around kids. I can't teach, I can't work at a shop, many of the Ministry jobs are now automatically closed. I can't work at a library, or in a restaurant, or as a janitor at a hotel." Remus' voice reflected his overwhelming frustration. "I am being forced by the government to work in places like Nocturn Ally and in other shady places where minors aren't allowed. How are werewolves supposed to live normal lives and stay out of the dark arts if they are shunned and forced to live in the shadows!"

"How did a law like that even get passed?" Sirius asked, his own anger beginning to rise.

Remus' expression darkened. "It was pushed through by Fudge's chief toad, a despicable amphibian by the name of Dolores Umbridge. She has it out for anyone who doesn't fit her idea of what a witch or wizard should be. She's the worst kind of puss filled tuber to walk the earth. She actually enjoys destroying people's lives. I think she actually believes that she's doing everyone a favor, that's how out of it she is. She's the worst kind of Ministry rat. She would like nothing better than to prevent me from being able to live my life. She's a clown faced destroyer hovering over her prey with all the charity of a vulture hovering over an animal on the brink of death. She could suck the soul out of a dementor and come away more pleasant. She makes Voldemort look like a humane and ethical individual. She's the real evil in the Ministry. She has Fudge's strings firmly in her stumpy hands and she makes him dance like the pathetic puppet he is. She's wicked, and mean, and, and, and she makes your family look kind and loving!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows at this last statement. "Really? Well, she sure sounds like a piece of work."

"There's more," Remus said, "she's trying to marginalize and disenfranchise so many people; I've seen her scoff at the statue in the fountain at the Ministry. She actually thinks that werewolves should be rounded up and caged. And she's absolutely against werewolves going to school. If she had her way the lot of us would be euthanized with herself holding the wand. She is vile and venomous and there is not humanity in her. She's found a way to run the Ministry and she's looking to take down anyone who might threaten her absolute control. She should be the first one the Order tries to take down; after her Voldemort should be easy. She has found ways to circumvent any good the Ministry might have been. She… she… she…"

Remus ran out of words and settled instead for an enraged sound that accurately conveyed his anger and frustration.

Sirius tried not to grin, it was a horrible situation and he could feel his friend's misery, but Remus very rarely got so worked up about anything. Even the news of Voldemort's return had been met by grim determination. Most of the time the adjective that described Remus best was 'mild,' yet Remus was anything but mild now. To see Remus just let loose with his emotions was a rare thing and Sirius was enjoying the spectacle.

Remus began to pace again, his loss for words not stemming the tide of his anger.

Sirius could not help himself, he egged his friend on. "What else has she done, is this the first?"

Remus' eyes flashed dangerously. "Oh no. That oozing growth has been making my life miserable for years! Four years ago she tried to force werewolves to pay an additional tax to cover our 'liability to society,' and before that she wanted to ban werewolves from working at the Ministry since we're a 'risk to the public.' That self inflated bag of flatulence has tried to have a go at any magical creature from any angle her twisted half-brain can devise. I'm sure she's an experiment that escaped the Department of Mysteries where she was accidentally spawned in some dark corner. There is no way a misery inducing beast like her was ever a child, or a human. She's just a blob of sadism that thrives on the misfortune of others. She's the most wicked creature I've ever been unlucky enough to meet!"

Sirius thought this last bit was really saying something since Sirius knew Remus had met his mother, Mrs. Black, before, and of course there was Pettigrew.

Remus was beginning to wind down by this point. His energy was spent after fretting over this all day. Remus threw himself into a chair tiredly and sighed as if the whole world was closing in. He was beginning to get a headache from all the anger and yelling. Sirius could tell that now was the time to cheer his friend up, and maybe get out of the house for a bit too. Sirius moved over to the chair where Remus sat and tossed the diary into his lap saying, "By the way, you misspelled 'negligee.'"

Remus looked up at him saying "Wha-" before his face flushed with color and he made a lunge for Sirius. Sirius danced back out of his reach and Remus jumped out of his chair in order to make another grab at Sirius. Sirius laughed and evaded again, forcing Remus to chase him. After one circuit of the room Sirius winked at Remus and said, "Catch me if you can." Then he transformed into a dog and ran out of the house barking happily. Remus ran after Sirius, trying to be irritated but feeling his spirits lift all the same. He laughed a little to himself and shook his head as he followed his friend out onto the sidewalk.


End file.
